He says "let's go with the flow" and won't define the relationship β should I wait?
Short answer: when someone avoids defining the relationship for months and deflects every conversation about the future, the refusal to move forward is itself the answer. Someone who wants a future with you doesn't leave you standing in uncertainty indefinitely.
The reverse extreme is also a script: pushing for commitments, moving in, or money very early. The danger isn't speed β it's a long-term mismatch between the substance he takes and the status he gives.
It helps to stop treating this as a question he hasn't answered yet. Undefined is not a waiting room; it's a position, and it's one that works well for exactly one of you. He keeps everything the relationship provides while carrying none of what a relationship commits him to, and every month you wait, that arrangement gets more comfortable to keep.
Time isn't neutral here either. Early on, "let's not rush" is a reasonable thing to want. After a year, the same sentence means something different, because by then he has all the information he needs. Nobody stays undecided about a person they see every week for a year β at some point the not-deciding is the decision, delivered in a form that doesn't require him to say it out loud.
What it looks like
- "Let's not label it" and "go with the flow" are his standard lines
- Future talk gets deflected, joked away, or reframed as you pressuring him
- Every milestone β defining it, meeting family, making plans β is postponed indefinitely
- Meanwhile he accepts everything the relationship provides: your time, intimacy, effort
- You've started pre-softening the question, asking it as a joke so it costs less if he dodges again
- His answer varies with what he needs that week β warmer when he wants something, vaguer when you press
How to read it
- π’ There's a real cadence: he says what happens when, and it actually happens
- π‘ Lots of "someday," little "now" β track the gap between promises and actions over one full cycle
- π΄ The question has been deferred past multiple natural milestones (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries), and raising it gets treated as you being dramatic
What to do
- Set a deadline for yourself β not for him. When it arrives, judge actions only; skip the explanations.
- Swap the abstract question for a concrete one: not "what are we" but "what are we doing for the holidays?" Who he spends the meaningful dates with is the honest answer.
- List his "somedays" and audit them against what actually happened. The gap is your conclusion. If the audit is hard to do alone, give herside the somedays and let her sort them into promised versus actually happened.
Not sure? Walk her through the details β she'll read the pattern with you
Talk it through βIf you're in a relationship that's hurting or controlling you, or you're struggling to hold on: The Hotline (thehotline.org) Β· 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US). Both free.