He texts other girls flirtatiously and calls me jealous — am I overreacting?

Short answer: having female friends isn't the crime. The issue was never the number — it's two things: whether the boundaries are blurred, and whether it's hidden from you.

The one-line test: would he have those exact conversations with you sitting next to him? If yes, it's probably fine. If no — the problem isn't your jealousy.

Notice how the argument gets reframed. You raise a specific behavior; the discussion becomes about your character — insecure, controlling, jealous. Once that swap happens, whatever he did is no longer the subject, and you're defending yourself instead. You can decline the swap without escalating: "We can talk about whether I'm insecure after. First, the messages."

What it looks like

  • Chats you'd be uncomfortable reading, filed under "that's just how friends talk"
  • The existence or depth of the chats is hidden from you, then minimized when discovered
  • Double standard: your male friends are a problem, his female friends require your maturity
  • He keeps accepting sustained investment from other women — songs shared daily, thoughtful gifts, flattering photos taken of him. Acceptance is a stance: whatever level of investment he accepts is the level of relationship he's permitting

How to read it

  • 🟢 Transparent with boundaries: chats could survive daylight, meetups are public, she knows you exist
  • 🟡 Boundaries on the loose side but nothing hidden — and a real conversation actually tightens them
  • 🔴 Hiding + double standards + downgrading to "just a friend" only once caught; or multiple women each investing in him while he accepts it all — that's not popularity, that's an operation

What to do

  1. Don't debate the definition of flirting — you can't win that debate. Track one behavior only: concealment. Hiding it is his own verdict on what it is.
  2. Raise one reasonable complaint and watch: he adjusts 🟢, he soothes without changing 🟡, he re-labels you as controlling 🔴. Write down what he actually said and give it to herside — she'll tell you which of the three it lands in.
  3. If multiple women are each investing and he's accepting all of it, read: how can I tell if he's seeing someone else.

Read next：How can I tell if he's seeing someone else?

Not sure? Walk her through the details — she'll read the pattern with you

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If you're in a relationship that's hurting or controlling you, or you're struggling to hold on: The Hotline (thehotline.org) · 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US). Both free.